Negotiating your relationship with an adolescent is sometimes tricky, but then I don't have to tell moms that--do I? But tricky or not, you can do it, and the reward is a good one.
I think it's tougher during senior year than any other year before that. Your baby is probably bigger than you by now and has his or her mind focused on living completely in the moment while the rest of the world is shouting the message that adulthood is just around the corner (college, college, college!), and what you get is the potential for some pretty unusual behavior.
Senior year is the time when parents and kids lapse into the occasional "freak out" moment. It is a natural occurrence really. Consider this: the sign of having been a successful parent is that your kid is ready to be independent. That's what you've raised her to be--independent. Able to manage life on her own. And now that the time is almost here for that to start happening, you realize it's not really what you wanted after all, is it? You'd much prefer that your baby just stop growing up and stay an adorable child at home forever. OK, I'm exaggerating, but only slightly. Many moms tell me that what makes this a tough time is the realization that very soon, their kids really will be adults--which means leaving. And that makes moms sad.
The reaction for many parents, then, is to apply the emergency brake. STOP!!! And of course, that sends a conflicting message to your kid. Increasingly, you've been adding responsibilities and freedoms, so this sudden "braking" lands on kids in weird ways. "Mom, I'm almost 18, and I haven't had a curfew since I was a sophomore. What's going on?" Or, "Mom, I can drive to the dentist by myself, you know. You don't have to come with me." Stuff like that.
But guess what? You're not the only ones feeling conflicted here. In fact, your kids are far more confused than you are--though they may never admit it to you directly. Think about it: for most of their lives, the message they've heard is "when you're an adult, . . ." and now that time is looming. They practically are adults, and they are both excited by the prospect of all that adult freedom they've been dreaming about while simultaneously not really having much of a clue about how to manage it. Especially the boys! Most boys are only looking at what's going on right now, not really thinking about the future. Girls are a little better at projecting, but then when they do, they get nervous about all the uncertainty ahead.
Both boys and girls, however, do the one thing we've been preparing them to do all along, and that is suddenly (well, it usually seems as though it's suddenly), they decide to become even more independent. And that means leaving you out of their decision-making process or not telling you what they're doing, where they're going, whom they're with.
Their actions of asserting more independence just so happen to coincide with your actions of putting on the brakes in order to hold on to them as children, and as a result, we have ample opportunities for conflict to occur.
And if that weren't enough, almost every teenager faces a moment or two during the last year of high school when he or she is actually AFRAID of what the future means. So, right smack in the middle of all their newly discovered "adultness," they have these tiny moments of doubt or loss, and they often don't know how to handle that. In fact, it freaks them out--but they keep it inside or they at least they think they do. The reality is that that doubt manifests itself in mood swings, strange behavior, or occasionally wanting to be closer to you again--briefly. Very briefly. And then they're off being their obnoxious teenaged selves once more.
So, how do you handle it? Good question. Let me know when you figure out the answer, and the reason I say that is because seldom are two families exactly alike. So much of how you handle this phase of your kid's development (and yours, too, really) will depend on the patterns you've established over the years for communicating with one another. My first suggestion is simply to be aware of what might be happening, and that will carry you a long way.
We are the adults, so it's our responsibility to exercise judgment, patience, wisdom. Just as we've always done. And then I'd add one more thing, and that would be to laugh a lot at ourselves along the way. Not at our kids, mind you, but at ourselves. We all know that if we don't laugh, we''re very likely to cry, so personally I choose to laugh as often as I can. Or try to.
What a great time to be a parent, really. Let me know what you think.
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