Happy Fall. I'm definitely a big fan of the season: cooler weather, gorgeous colors, pumpkins...the list goes on. High school seniors, however, might not be such big enthusiasts for this this time of year. For them, it's a pretty hectic couple of months.
First, there's the whole "I'm in my last year of high school" thing going on, which simultaneously scares them and thrills them. Graduation is in sight, yet it's still far enough away in a teenaged mind to allow them to continue to act like children--highly entitled children, mind you, but children nonetheless.
Then there is the entire range of things they have to do related to college admissions: giving up Saturdays for ACT and SAT, prepping for those tests, figuring out which schools to apply to, managing teacher recommendations, filling out applications and probably too many annoying supplements on top of that, writing and rewriting essays for the application, squeezing in a campus visit or two or three, wondering about interviews, and meeting not only with various admissions representatives on campus but also meeting with their college counselors. That list alone is enough to keep kids crazy.
Add to that all a kid has to do if she is playing fall sports of any kind, or in the fall play, Model UN, on the debate team, campaigning for a local candidate, or living out any other commitment that many kids take on. Some kids also work part-time or are in charge of laundry, cooking, carpools, shopping while parents work. We all know life is complicated, but nobody knows it more than a high school senior does.
If your son or daughter is hoping to play sports at college, you can add another level of responsibility. Recruitment is an intense and demanding process, often causing kids to have to deal with several coaches all at once, travel, maintaining or increasing performance times and goals, and sometimes enduring the sheer agony of just waiting to hear news from coaches or recruitment agencies.
It's no wonder then that we often forget the thing that kids are in high school for in the first place--you know, going to class. Doing homework. Getting good grades. Hmmm.
You can be sure, however, that the admissions officers haven't forgotten that last part. They expect that the first semester of a kid's senior year will also be a kid's best academic performance to date. If a kid is applying early decision or early action to a competitive institution, then that is DOUBLY true. Grades matter.
It doesn't seem fair, does it? The same semester that kids are the busiest socially, have the most psychological growing to do as they prepare to leave the nest, and need to focus on the nuts-and-bolts process of submitting college applications is also the semester they're expected to do their best academically. And of course, we parents "gently" remind them of all this, right?
No wonder many kids don't love fall the same way we do. My advice? Lots of TLC. Ask them what you can do to help and then listen to what they tell you. Give them permission not to get it all right all the time. Be patient, be forgiving, be kind. Listen. Step back. Breathe.
Try to see the world from their point of view; try to disconnect from your own point of view temporarily. Practice some empathy. Remember be good to yourself, too. You will need to be the best you can be in order to support your kid. I know it seems contradictory: letting go of your opinions while taking care of yourself, but it works.
And remember that every year tens of thousands of kids and their parents survive this season. You will, too.
Let me know what you think. Thanks.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Does your high school counselor know enough?
Today I read a blog post that kind of scared me. It scared me a little and it also bothered me a little, but I guess that's to be expected from blogs, right? I mean, a blog is meant to be a venue for some personal observation and opinion, and mine is no exception. But this one made me cringe a little both because the criticism was more on target than I wish it were and also because the people being criticized were high school counselors, whom I respect a good deal because I have been one of them. In fact, I still consider myself one even though I now do my work on an independent basis instead of through a specific institution.
Anyway, the writer's point of view was that most high school counselors don't know nearly enough about how the college admissions process works, and I'm afraid that at many, many schools that is true. The deck is stacked against them, the blogger wrote, because counselors are required to earn degrees in mental health related areas that have little to do with the "business" of admissions. Again, this is accurate at most schools--especially in the public school sector where a person must be certified by her or his state in order to become a counselor. That means the training is psychology-based, not college admissions-based, for most counselors.
Then, there's the issue of not having the funding at most schools that is necessary to travel to conferences or to visit campuses across the country. Add to that a caseload that could include up to 300 or 400 students and/or teaching a class or two, and you get a high school counselor who usually is faced with a hugely challenging job and very little support to get all of it done.
Of course, not every high school counselor is in this situation, but the sad truth, in my observation, is that most of them are. What that means is that no matter how much you like your counselor or how friendly and helpful he or she is, unless advising about college admissions is the main part of the job, the chances are that he or she is probably not up to date with national trends, does not know from first-hand experience was factors are influential in admissions, and doesn't think like a business person--and believe me, college admissions (or as it is known in some places, enrollment management) is largely a business issue.
So, how do you as parents work with that? Well, it's a good question. And the answer, I think, comes in learning as much as you can about how the process works. Educate yourself about admissions. Read journals, visit campuses, make appointments to talk with admissions and financial aid officers, surf the web, and browse the bookstores. Get lots of opinions from people who are in the business of admissions, and then make the best decisions you can. In many ways, it's like buying a new car.
And I guess I also want to say don't blame the high school counselor. Use that person as your ally, but don't expect him to have all the answers. Do your best to help the counselor get to know your son or daughter because the high school counselor is often the person who sends a personal recommendation on your child's behalf to the college admissions offices. At the same time, realize that many counselors just won't be current in this part of the work. Don't assume that, but don't be surprised by it. Focus on the great skills the counselor has regarding the way students learn, the way they interact with the world, the way they grow up--and look around for the practical advice you need about the business of admissions.
Let me know what you think. Thanks.
Anyway, the writer's point of view was that most high school counselors don't know nearly enough about how the college admissions process works, and I'm afraid that at many, many schools that is true. The deck is stacked against them, the blogger wrote, because counselors are required to earn degrees in mental health related areas that have little to do with the "business" of admissions. Again, this is accurate at most schools--especially in the public school sector where a person must be certified by her or his state in order to become a counselor. That means the training is psychology-based, not college admissions-based, for most counselors.
Then, there's the issue of not having the funding at most schools that is necessary to travel to conferences or to visit campuses across the country. Add to that a caseload that could include up to 300 or 400 students and/or teaching a class or two, and you get a high school counselor who usually is faced with a hugely challenging job and very little support to get all of it done.
Of course, not every high school counselor is in this situation, but the sad truth, in my observation, is that most of them are. What that means is that no matter how much you like your counselor or how friendly and helpful he or she is, unless advising about college admissions is the main part of the job, the chances are that he or she is probably not up to date with national trends, does not know from first-hand experience was factors are influential in admissions, and doesn't think like a business person--and believe me, college admissions (or as it is known in some places, enrollment management) is largely a business issue.
So, how do you as parents work with that? Well, it's a good question. And the answer, I think, comes in learning as much as you can about how the process works. Educate yourself about admissions. Read journals, visit campuses, make appointments to talk with admissions and financial aid officers, surf the web, and browse the bookstores. Get lots of opinions from people who are in the business of admissions, and then make the best decisions you can. In many ways, it's like buying a new car.
And I guess I also want to say don't blame the high school counselor. Use that person as your ally, but don't expect him to have all the answers. Do your best to help the counselor get to know your son or daughter because the high school counselor is often the person who sends a personal recommendation on your child's behalf to the college admissions offices. At the same time, realize that many counselors just won't be current in this part of the work. Don't assume that, but don't be surprised by it. Focus on the great skills the counselor has regarding the way students learn, the way they interact with the world, the way they grow up--and look around for the practical advice you need about the business of admissions.
Let me know what you think. Thanks.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Talk the talk
Let's talk about money.
College is expensive on many levels, and figuring out how to finance your kid's education can sometimes be challenging---especially when many selective private colleges and universities come to a number around $50,000 a year once you figure in not only tuition but room and board and books. Even the cost of state universities has risen dramatically in the last five years.
Applying to college can also be expensive. The application fee for each school can be as steep as $75 though some are free. Typically though, expect to pay between $40 and $60 a pop. If your kid applies to eight colleges, you're looking at a number in the neighborhood of $500. Add to that, the cost of taking SATs and ACTS, the cost of test prep, the cost of travel to visit campuses, and for many, the cost of independent counseling--folks like me. You can easily be paying thousands of dollars before your son or daughter is even admitted.
So, while I think that most of the expenditure is worthwhile--I mean, it is your kid's future we're talking about--, I also think it is really important to sit down together as a team to let your son or daughter know what is realistic and what isn't.
There is no shame to being honest, and there certainly is no shame in treating your kid like an adult in this scenario. Yes, you are still responsible for the financial piece of your child's education, but kids are capable of sharing some of the logic behind choosing where to apply and where to attend when it comes to how much it will all cost.
What you share, of course, is up to you. I recommend that you outline some basic figures that show what can afford to spend comfortably and also what you might be able to spend if everyone tightens the belt. I'd begin by explaining that you're not going to be limited by those numbers and that you want your kid to feel free to look at any college he or she likes, but that you all also need to be sure to identify schools where your ability to pay matches more closely to what things will cost.
You also want to make it clear that your child is not responsible for bearing the cost of his or her college education. In other words, he or she should understand that the pressure to pay for college is on you, the parent, but that you want him or her to understand what you are able to make work and what you are not.
Then throw financial aid into the mix. With the right financial aid package, a school that seems unaffordable can actually turn out to be cheaper than what you originally thought. Tell your kid that you will check out all financial aid options, too. Talk about the difference between need-based and merit-based aid, talk about grants, and talk about work study programs. The tone here should be one that is optimistic. The last thing you want is for your kid to worry or feel that she or he has to bear this burden of figuring out how to pay for college or that the only way he or she can attend is to find a big scholarship. Yes, that would be nice, but the number of kids who get scholarships large enough to pay for everything is very, very small. It can sometimes happen with athletics, but usually most financial aid is given on a needs basis.
If financial aid will be a big piece of the puzzle, then you also might want to talk about how that affects things like being put on a waiting list if that happens.
You and your kid should understand, for example, that if in March or April a college offers a place on the school's waiting list as opposed to being given a regular admissions decision, it's probably a better idea to turn down the wait-list offer and accept the definitive admission that has been received from another school. Financial aid is usually awarded in April, and by the time admissions officers are able to admit students from their waiting lists, it is often June or July, after much of the money has already been disbursed.
One of your jobs is to contact financial aid offices at schools your kid might be interested in and ask all your questions. Take notes. Write down the names of the people you talk with. Ask if you can call them back if you have further questions. Be sure to say thanks. Financial aid officers usually want to help you. Their job is to make it possible for the best kids to be able to attend their institutions.
You don't have to tell your kids everything about your financial situation, but it is a good idea to include them in the conversation to the extent that they understand what is and is not feasible. Of course, each family approaches the topic of money differently. Whatever you do in regard to having a conversation with your son or daughter about the cost of college, be sure that YOU will be comfortable with this topic first. Remember, the idea is to create understanding, to work together, and to ease some of the anxiety that surrounds the issue of paying for college.
Let me know what you're thinking.
College is expensive on many levels, and figuring out how to finance your kid's education can sometimes be challenging---especially when many selective private colleges and universities come to a number around $50,000 a year once you figure in not only tuition but room and board and books. Even the cost of state universities has risen dramatically in the last five years.
Applying to college can also be expensive. The application fee for each school can be as steep as $75 though some are free. Typically though, expect to pay between $40 and $60 a pop. If your kid applies to eight colleges, you're looking at a number in the neighborhood of $500. Add to that, the cost of taking SATs and ACTS, the cost of test prep, the cost of travel to visit campuses, and for many, the cost of independent counseling--folks like me. You can easily be paying thousands of dollars before your son or daughter is even admitted.
So, while I think that most of the expenditure is worthwhile--I mean, it is your kid's future we're talking about--, I also think it is really important to sit down together as a team to let your son or daughter know what is realistic and what isn't.
There is no shame to being honest, and there certainly is no shame in treating your kid like an adult in this scenario. Yes, you are still responsible for the financial piece of your child's education, but kids are capable of sharing some of the logic behind choosing where to apply and where to attend when it comes to how much it will all cost.
What you share, of course, is up to you. I recommend that you outline some basic figures that show what can afford to spend comfortably and also what you might be able to spend if everyone tightens the belt. I'd begin by explaining that you're not going to be limited by those numbers and that you want your kid to feel free to look at any college he or she likes, but that you all also need to be sure to identify schools where your ability to pay matches more closely to what things will cost.
You also want to make it clear that your child is not responsible for bearing the cost of his or her college education. In other words, he or she should understand that the pressure to pay for college is on you, the parent, but that you want him or her to understand what you are able to make work and what you are not.
Then throw financial aid into the mix. With the right financial aid package, a school that seems unaffordable can actually turn out to be cheaper than what you originally thought. Tell your kid that you will check out all financial aid options, too. Talk about the difference between need-based and merit-based aid, talk about grants, and talk about work study programs. The tone here should be one that is optimistic. The last thing you want is for your kid to worry or feel that she or he has to bear this burden of figuring out how to pay for college or that the only way he or she can attend is to find a big scholarship. Yes, that would be nice, but the number of kids who get scholarships large enough to pay for everything is very, very small. It can sometimes happen with athletics, but usually most financial aid is given on a needs basis.
If financial aid will be a big piece of the puzzle, then you also might want to talk about how that affects things like being put on a waiting list if that happens.
You and your kid should understand, for example, that if in March or April a college offers a place on the school's waiting list as opposed to being given a regular admissions decision, it's probably a better idea to turn down the wait-list offer and accept the definitive admission that has been received from another school. Financial aid is usually awarded in April, and by the time admissions officers are able to admit students from their waiting lists, it is often June or July, after much of the money has already been disbursed.
One of your jobs is to contact financial aid offices at schools your kid might be interested in and ask all your questions. Take notes. Write down the names of the people you talk with. Ask if you can call them back if you have further questions. Be sure to say thanks. Financial aid officers usually want to help you. Their job is to make it possible for the best kids to be able to attend their institutions.
You don't have to tell your kids everything about your financial situation, but it is a good idea to include them in the conversation to the extent that they understand what is and is not feasible. Of course, each family approaches the topic of money differently. Whatever you do in regard to having a conversation with your son or daughter about the cost of college, be sure that YOU will be comfortable with this topic first. Remember, the idea is to create understanding, to work together, and to ease some of the anxiety that surrounds the issue of paying for college.
Let me know what you're thinking.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Tell a friend!
Hey, everybody! Earlier this year, I began writing this blog with two goals: one was obviously to offer some advice, based on my years of experience advising kids and their parents about college admissions; the other was to increase traffic to my website www.askjohnaboutcollege.com. This week, I am focusing on the second goal, and I'm making a concentrated effort to increase the number of visitors to the website so that they can learn about my work. I'm blasting out on Facebook, Twitter, Linked In, and via email.
It feels strange to me to be this bold in asking for something, but then again, I do believe that often the best way to go about getting what you want is to ask for it. So, I'm asking a favor this time around: please tell two people this week about my blog. That's all. Send them the link, or give them my email address (askjohnaboutcollege@gmail.com.) Thanks.
Also, consider subscribing to the RSS feed. That way, you get the blog updates automatically. And remember you can always post comments or ask questions on anything related to college admissions. My hope is that people find this column a useful resource. I love writing it.
Last thing for today--it's October, so your high school senior should be pretty busy right about now with application materials. Check in. See what your son or daughter needs. If I can help, drop me a line.
That's it for now. Look forward to hearing from you, and thanks for spreading the word.
John
ps. for those of you with kids already in college, what websites are you following to keep up with trends on campus? Would it be helpful if I suggested a few resources for parents in this area, too?
It feels strange to me to be this bold in asking for something, but then again, I do believe that often the best way to go about getting what you want is to ask for it. So, I'm asking a favor this time around: please tell two people this week about my blog. That's all. Send them the link, or give them my email address (askjohnaboutcollege@gmail.com.) Thanks.
Also, consider subscribing to the RSS feed. That way, you get the blog updates automatically. And remember you can always post comments or ask questions on anything related to college admissions. My hope is that people find this column a useful resource. I love writing it.
Last thing for today--it's October, so your high school senior should be pretty busy right about now with application materials. Check in. See what your son or daughter needs. If I can help, drop me a line.
That's it for now. Look forward to hearing from you, and thanks for spreading the word.
John
ps. for those of you with kids already in college, what websites are you following to keep up with trends on campus? Would it be helpful if I suggested a few resources for parents in this area, too?
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