Summer College Visits

Summer and the heat index is well over 100 this week!  Makes me wonder about laws of physics I never really ever learned or understood when I was in high school, but one sure law has to be that when it gets hotter, families get cranky more easily.

Now, not to be negative--because one of the purposes of this blog is to encourage you, dear mothers, but am I wrong here?  I think back to my own childhood family vacations in the car--our car, by the way was a way cool sporty '66 Mustang with bucket seats and a black vinyl roof and almost no backseat to mention at all. Yet it was that tiny space that my sister and I were relegated to during every car trip together, and of course, there was no air conditioning, and it was summer, and we all got crabby.  Really crabby.  We would drive nine hours to my grandma's house every summer.  In the heat.  Crabby.

My mom was the champion of moms, though, keeping us entertained with games and books and ice-cold sodas she mysteriously produced from the enormous "mom purse" that went everywhere with her.  This was way before i-pods and gameboys and even Pac-Man, obviously.  Nonetheless, the heat got to us eventually and somebody nearly always cried--usually me.

Anyway, it's summer and I keep thinking about the thousands of high school kids who are making treks to visit college campuses with their parents now.  I wonder about how it's going with all of them.  I think about the ways they must each be excited and nervous and hopeful and scared all at once.  And I wonder if the heat aggravates any of the experiences the way it stirred up my own family molecules when I was a kid.

I'll write more about visiting campuses in the future, and I'm happy to take on any questions about campus visits, too, but for now, I guess I just want to tell moms and dads that you're not alone out there.  It may seem like just yesterday your kid was pulling your sleeve to show you a bug she had just discovered or crying for you to pick him up, and now that same kid probably wants you to keep your questions to yourself during each campus tour and info session so he or she won't DIE of embarrassment.  Zip--where did the time go?

And you're wondering how in the world will you all make it through this almost final transition of adolescence--meaning: the money, the finding the right school, the money, getting admitted, the money, growing apart, the money, graduating from high school, the money, and moving away.  Yeah, it's a lot to think about.  And my guess is that though the college visits can be lots of fun, the heat might also be stirring you up in ways that might be surprising you.

That is all perfectly natural.

So, make the effort to have fun walking around those campuses, seeing the libraries and the climbing walls, the dining stations and the yoga studios, the new science centers and the old stone buildings.  Maybe you'll want to be guarded with your credit card when you get to the campus bookstore, where you'll buy everything except books. (You can buy those t-shirts on-line once you're child is admitted!)
Savor these trips to colleges together and ask your kids what THEY liked best at each campus, what THEY were surprised by, what do THEY  think it might feel like to live here--without necessarily offering your own take on things.  For now.  Then take my mom's example, and pull out some gigantic frozen soy-mocha-frappy-latte from your purse and fight the heat together.   But mostly, have fun.

Summer!

Happy Father's Day! (and applying to college, too)

Father's Day is this weekend, so I've been thinking about what it means to raise kids these days in a world anchored on such non-anchorable things such as tweets and texts, hoots and hot-spots.  And frankly, I think I have no clue.  But a smart, smart friend of mine who is a divorced father, recently wrote in his blog some stuff that seems very much like wisdom to me, and I want to share it.


Eli writes that parenthood is a lot like training for a marathon, but the best advice he ever received was from a guy in Iowa who said to his daughter during an all-too-familiar teenage outburst something along the lines of this: “You know, I’ve never had a 16-year-old daughter before and you’ve never been 16 before either.  So we’re both in uncharted territory here.  But, I think if we listen to one another, work together and treat each other respectfully, we’ll get through this just fine.” 


I think the part that resonates with me is the old guy's remarks about listening, working together, and treating each other with respect.  And of course, I like the idea of "getting through this just fine."  As far as college admissions is concerned, the advice is equally solid.  Listening to your kids, working with them, and treating them with respect will take you far.  And, by the way, it's perfectly okay to remind them that the same advice applies to the way they talk to you as well.  


I know it's summer and that a good deal of the energy devoted to thinking about where kids will apply to  college is on hold right now, but in the fall, everything will feel more imminent--because it will be.  Today, just enjoy the fact that this weekend is Father's Day.   And moms and dads everywhere: Good work!  


If you'd like to read Eli's blog in its entirety, check out:  http://eliphoto.wordpress.com


Thanks.
John

Moving on down the road

It's June. That means it's already one full month past the national reply date of May 1st, when colleges expect your kids to commit to one school and put down a deposit that will guarantee him or her a place in next year's class.  (Of course, if your kid is also on a wait-list somewhere, that's a different story.)  Anyway, my point is that it's been a month--a full month--since your child has decided where to go to college.  And a month is like 20 years in teenager time.

I was looking at other blogs during the week, and I read one kid's posting about how even though it's been a month, his mother is still talking about college.  Things like, "Oh, I just found out that Martina got into Stanford," or "Did you hear about Mrs. Kapinski's nephew going to Brown?  How do you think THAT happened?"

Basically, the kid in question was complaining that his mom wouldn't let the college stuff go.  She'd become so wrapped up in the process over the last year that, even when it was all over and done, she still was obsessing about how it worked and why other kids were admitted, presumably, to places where her kid wasn't.

So, my advice?  Yeah, you can guess it, can't you?   Move on down the road, lady!  Your son needs you to move on so that he can, too.  At this point the focus really should be on enjoying the last months together, doing positive things together, giving the kids the final boosts in confidence and morale that they need to be able to head off to college well-equipped with life skills.

I get why moms obsess with the process.  Getting admitted to college somehow creeps into our lives and takes over many of the thoughts and conversations and family activities throughout the senior year of high school.  And once it's finished, there is a little empty space.  Where do we put all that energy now?  Well, my suggestion is that you put that energy into spending time with your son or daughter, making sure they know how to do some basic things such as banking, sticking to a budget, doing laundry, taking car of their car, and so on.

Of course, you should also keep in mind that many kids will see these last months before going off to college as the last time they can see their best friends before everyone scatters across the country.  While you may have great visions of quality family events, your kid might be thinking something else entirely.  So, be realistic and be specific at the same time.  In other words, let your kid have the freedom he or she needs this last summer, but also be clear about your expectations that there will be family events and that his or her participation is expected.

Much of your quality time with your about-to-leave-home son or daughter will surprise you.  I mean, it will come when you're not expecting it.  Some of the best conversations are the impromptu ones in the car on the way to or from something else, at home at night putting the dishes away, or watching TV together.  Be ready for those times.  They're the ones you'll remember longest.

So, back to the mom who keeps asking her son about various people's college admissions results.  Clearly, that mom was invested in this process, and my guess is it's because she was also deeply invested in her son.  So, good for her.  But by now, the results of that motivation have turned into something less good.

All of this is a natural part of the letting-go process.

Face it, as much as it is the right thing to do, letting go is just plain hard. And that is because you love your kids which is exactly what a mom does.

Let me know what you think!