Moving on down the road

It's June. That means it's already one full month past the national reply date of May 1st, when colleges expect your kids to commit to one school and put down a deposit that will guarantee him or her a place in next year's class.  (Of course, if your kid is also on a wait-list somewhere, that's a different story.)  Anyway, my point is that it's been a month--a full month--since your child has decided where to go to college.  And a month is like 20 years in teenager time.

I was looking at other blogs during the week, and I read one kid's posting about how even though it's been a month, his mother is still talking about college.  Things like, "Oh, I just found out that Martina got into Stanford," or "Did you hear about Mrs. Kapinski's nephew going to Brown?  How do you think THAT happened?"

Basically, the kid in question was complaining that his mom wouldn't let the college stuff go.  She'd become so wrapped up in the process over the last year that, even when it was all over and done, she still was obsessing about how it worked and why other kids were admitted, presumably, to places where her kid wasn't.

So, my advice?  Yeah, you can guess it, can't you?   Move on down the road, lady!  Your son needs you to move on so that he can, too.  At this point the focus really should be on enjoying the last months together, doing positive things together, giving the kids the final boosts in confidence and morale that they need to be able to head off to college well-equipped with life skills.

I get why moms obsess with the process.  Getting admitted to college somehow creeps into our lives and takes over many of the thoughts and conversations and family activities throughout the senior year of high school.  And once it's finished, there is a little empty space.  Where do we put all that energy now?  Well, my suggestion is that you put that energy into spending time with your son or daughter, making sure they know how to do some basic things such as banking, sticking to a budget, doing laundry, taking car of their car, and so on.

Of course, you should also keep in mind that many kids will see these last months before going off to college as the last time they can see their best friends before everyone scatters across the country.  While you may have great visions of quality family events, your kid might be thinking something else entirely.  So, be realistic and be specific at the same time.  In other words, let your kid have the freedom he or she needs this last summer, but also be clear about your expectations that there will be family events and that his or her participation is expected.

Much of your quality time with your about-to-leave-home son or daughter will surprise you.  I mean, it will come when you're not expecting it.  Some of the best conversations are the impromptu ones in the car on the way to or from something else, at home at night putting the dishes away, or watching TV together.  Be ready for those times.  They're the ones you'll remember longest.

So, back to the mom who keeps asking her son about various people's college admissions results.  Clearly, that mom was invested in this process, and my guess is it's because she was also deeply invested in her son.  So, good for her.  But by now, the results of that motivation have turned into something less good.

All of this is a natural part of the letting-go process.

Face it, as much as it is the right thing to do, letting go is just plain hard. And that is because you love your kids which is exactly what a mom does.

Let me know what you think!