To nag or not to nag?

This post is in response to Lisa's comment about her son wanting to be completely independent in the college process.  Thanks for a good question, Lisa.

First, congratulations.  One of the overarching aims of successful parenting is to create autonomous and independent young people who will become ready to face the world (and what the world throws at them) on their own.  You've got yourself one independent kid!  Of course, the inherent conflict is that he's still your kid and you want to continue to support him as much as  possible even if he thinks he doesn't want any support.

However, the fine line between supporting and nagging is one that is different in every family, and only you and your son can negotiate that line and where you will stand in relation to that line.

There is also a big difference between independence and autonomy, and kids often think they're the same thing.  Independence is having everything his way, no help from Mom; autonomy is having a clear sense of where things are going and being able to make decisions for himself, knowing that Mom's ideas are his to use or to reject.  Since most of our kids are still kids, we have to help them understand that they can be autonomous without needing to be completely independent.

Of course, all kids are different, but many boys tend to crave privacy about things that they consider personal, and choosing where to go to college is, for some kids, very personal.  If you think that's the case with your son, then give him lots of space.  Respect his privacy.

Another factor that occasionally comes into play with boys is a fear of failing.  If you think your child is reaching for something that he might not get, then it might be that his negative reactions to parental guidance are really a thinly disguised attempt not to let you see him fail. Ever hear of a thing called the male ego?  Exactly.  And in adolescence, the ego is more fragile than any kid will ever let on.

So, how to deal with all of this?  I'd begin by not pushing things when your child makes a clear statement that he or she doesn't want your help.  If that's the case, back away, but don't give up.  In my experience, nagging hardly ever works positively.

Of course, we don't mean to nag; we simply mean to repeat offers of support or instruction or advising, but kids look at it as nagging.  I think a lot of parents nag because they want to be sure that their children understand what they're trying to say.  And when they appear to ignore us, we think that they haven't heard us.

Well, rest assured that almost everything you ever say to your kids is heard and registered.  They just can't let you know that.  That would be admitting that you might be right about something that they're unsure of or disagree with, so they often react by not reacting or pretending that they don't hear you.  They do.  And if you want proof, think about the things your own parents have said to you that you didn't necessarily want to hear.  See?  You still remember them, don't you?

But of course you can't just back away completely either.  You are still the grown-up, and that means you get to call some rules of your own.

One suggestion I've heard that often works is to set a regular time with your child for talking about college.  Say, half an hour once a week, same time each week. Your rationale is that you're the parent and that gives you some cache for talking about your kid's future. The upside, you tell your son or daughter, is that you promise not to bring up ANYTHING college-related during the rest of the week.  In other words, no nagging.  Promised.

Then during your scheduled time, LISTEN to him.  Give him time to talk, really talk before you necessarily share your opinions.  In fact, you might want to keep your opinions to yourself the first or second time you meet, knowing that you'll have another opportunity in a week to talk.  Use this time together to rebuild some trust around what he's worried about, and when it seems right, then bring up the concerns that you have.

Some parents ask their kids three things, and not all at once: what are your dreams for college?  what do you need to have happen so that you can get there?  what are you afraid might prevent you from getting there?  Then, of course, an excellent follow-up is this: as your mom, how can I help you realize this dream?

Eventually, you'll talk about how dreams change or sometimes take longer to come true than we think, and you might also ask what your child thinks some good alternative plans are.  And of course, you might want to talk about money somewhere along the road.  And academic majors, athletics, fraternities, drinking, and sex--all the good things that parents love to talk about anyway.

So, there is lots of room for communicating when we give the kids the lead.  But by insisting to talk when they don't want to, then we end up taking the lead away from them.  That makes us feel shut out when the thing we want the most is to be included.

Again, every family will be different and every mom should choose the pathway that feels the most comfortable and natural when it comes to supporting her son or daughter.  My advice is to listen first, back away initially if necessary, proceed slowly, but also to remember who the parent is.  But that doesn't mean this is about you--it's not.  It's about your kid.

Good luck, and let's hope the next question someone asks is an easy one--say about SAT's or something.
Thanks.  That's all for now.
John

Here's the plan

For about a million years, I've been advising high school kids--terrific kids--and their families about applying to college, and something that has touched me over and over again is the way mothers engage in this process.    Yes, fathers also engage, but moms bring a distinctly different element into the equation.

I have no scientific data about a mother's role in her child's college admission journey, but I do have a lot of experience answering hundreds of questions about college admissions from hundreds of moms.  So what I offer here is a place for moms to ask questions and maybe find answers about anything related to college and how to get there.

And for the record, I am nobody's mother myself, but I am a son. And I understand that mothers approach just about everything differently than their children do--at least, that seems to be the case for most of us.

So this blog is for moms.  I'll try to write once a week or more about things that moms need to know as their kids think about and explore the many different aspects of heading off for academic life after high school.

That's it for now.