Home for the Holidays!

School's out and kids are home.  If you're the parent of high school kids, you're already used to vacation times with them at home--especially during the holidays.  But if you're the mom or dad of a first-year college student, this visit back home might surprise you.

Some parents already had a small taste of homecoming at Thanksgiving, but for many, the winter break is a roller coaster of anticipation, surprises, and also misunderstood messages.

First, whether you like it or not, the teenager who moved out in the fall is not the same kid who's coming back home for break.  At least, that is what he thinks.  In your child's mind, he or she is now fully emancipated, and has had a whole semester of pretty much being independent.  You need to understand that a "whole semester" is pretty much forever, right?  And that includes the very grown-up behavior of staying up as late as she wants to, going to class whenever she wants to, attending any parties that she wants to--you know, doing pretty much everything without checking in with Mom or Dad to see if it's okay.

Of course, in your mind, your kid is still your kid.  That's reasonable.  But don't be surprised if she casually informs you on her way to meet someone else that she won't be home until late.  And "late" may mean tomorrow.  And then she will look at you with utter and genuine shock when you remind her to be home by midnight.

Then there are the high school friends whom your son or daughter hasn't seen in months!  So, sometimes what happens is that even though your kid's laundry is home for break, his actual body is probably somewhere else, catching up with high school friends--that's right, the same friends he has seen on Facebook or has texted every single day since graduation way back in May.

Often what parents want more than anything during this time home is the last thing that kids have in mind.  So, my advice is to get ready for this, and to head off frustration by having a plan that includes talking about what you'd like to do during break.  Tell your child who is now all grown up what your expectations are for going out, coming home, drinking, and spending time with the family, but tell them in a way that includes them.

Don't make the mistake of just laying down the law.  Instead, let them know that you acknowledge the fact that they've been living independently and that you respect that, but that you also have hopes to spend some quality time with them during this break.

Ask what some of the activities are that they would like to do while they're home--both with friends and with family.  Ask them to tell you about what their plans might look like and then suggest that you both work together so that they get to see friends and stay out, but at the same time you get a commitment for some family time.  As in most things, humor and flexibility will be the key to success, and your son or daughter will take his or her cues from you.

It's a wonderful thing to have the kids home!  Even if it does seem as though they're out and about more than they are in with you.

WARNING, WARNING: high school senior in the house!

Negotiating your relationship with an adolescent is sometimes tricky, but then I don't have to tell moms that--do I?  But tricky or not, you can do it, and the reward is a good one.

I think it's tougher during senior year than any other year before that.  Your baby is probably bigger than you by now and has his or her mind focused on living completely in the moment while the rest of the world is shouting the message that adulthood is just around the corner (college, college, college!), and what you get is the potential for some pretty unusual behavior.

Senior year is the time when parents and kids lapse into the occasional "freak out" moment.  It is a natural occurrence really.  Consider this:  the sign of having been a successful parent is that your kid is ready to be independent.  That's what you've raised her to be--independent.  Able to manage life on her own.  And now that the time is almost here for that to start happening, you realize it's not really what  you wanted after all, is it?  You'd much prefer that your baby just stop growing up and stay an adorable child at home forever.  OK, I'm exaggerating, but only slightly.  Many moms tell me that what makes this a tough time is the realization that very soon, their kids really will be adults--which means leaving.  And that makes moms sad.

The reaction for many parents, then, is to apply the emergency brake.  STOP!!! And of course, that sends a conflicting message to your kid.  Increasingly, you've been adding responsibilities and freedoms, so this sudden "braking" lands on kids in weird ways.  "Mom, I'm almost 18, and I haven't had a curfew since I was a sophomore.  What's going on?"  Or, "Mom, I can drive to the dentist by myself, you know.  You don't have to come with me." Stuff like that.

But guess what?  You're not the only ones feeling conflicted here.  In fact, your kids are far more confused than you are--though they may never admit it to you directly.  Think about it:  for most of their lives, the message they've heard is "when you're an adult, . . ." and now that time is looming.  They practically are adults, and they are both excited by the prospect of all that adult freedom they've been dreaming about while simultaneously not really having much of a clue about how to manage it. Especially the boys!  Most boys are only looking at what's going on right now, not really thinking about the future.  Girls are a little better at projecting, but then when they do, they get nervous about all the uncertainty ahead.

Both boys and girls, however, do the one thing we've been preparing them to do all along, and that is suddenly (well, it usually seems as though it's suddenly), they decide to become even more independent.  And that means leaving you out of their decision-making process or not telling you what they're doing, where they're going, whom they're with.

Their actions of asserting more independence just so happen to coincide with your actions of putting on the brakes in order to hold on to them as children, and as a result, we have ample opportunities for conflict to occur.

And if that weren't enough, almost every teenager faces a moment or two during the last year of high school when he or she is actually AFRAID of what the future means.  So, right smack in the middle of all their newly discovered "adultness," they have these tiny moments of doubt or loss, and they often don't know how to handle that.  In fact, it freaks them out--but they keep it inside or they at least they think they do.  The reality is that that doubt manifests itself in mood swings, strange behavior, or occasionally wanting to be closer to you again--briefly.  Very briefly. And then they're off being their obnoxious teenaged selves once more.

So, how do you handle it?  Good question.  Let me know when you figure out the answer, and the reason I say that is because seldom are two families exactly alike.  So much of how you handle this phase of your kid's development (and yours, too, really) will depend on the patterns you've established over the  years for communicating with one another.  My first suggestion is simply to be aware of what might be happening, and that will carry you a long way.

We are the adults, so it's our responsibility to exercise judgment, patience, wisdom.  Just as we've always done.  And then I'd add one more thing, and that would be to laugh a lot at ourselves along the way.  Not at our kids, mind you, but at ourselves.  We all know that if we don't laugh, we''re very likely to cry, so personally I choose to laugh as often as I can.  Or try to.

What a great time to be a parent, really.  Let me know what you think.