Home for the Holidays!

School's out and kids are home.  If you're the parent of high school kids, you're already used to vacation times with them at home--especially during the holidays.  But if you're the mom or dad of a first-year college student, this visit back home might surprise you.

Some parents already had a small taste of homecoming at Thanksgiving, but for many, the winter break is a roller coaster of anticipation, surprises, and also misunderstood messages.

First, whether you like it or not, the teenager who moved out in the fall is not the same kid who's coming back home for break.  At least, that is what he thinks.  In your child's mind, he or she is now fully emancipated, and has had a whole semester of pretty much being independent.  You need to understand that a "whole semester" is pretty much forever, right?  And that includes the very grown-up behavior of staying up as late as she wants to, going to class whenever she wants to, attending any parties that she wants to--you know, doing pretty much everything without checking in with Mom or Dad to see if it's okay.

Of course, in your mind, your kid is still your kid.  That's reasonable.  But don't be surprised if she casually informs you on her way to meet someone else that she won't be home until late.  And "late" may mean tomorrow.  And then she will look at you with utter and genuine shock when you remind her to be home by midnight.

Then there are the high school friends whom your son or daughter hasn't seen in months!  So, sometimes what happens is that even though your kid's laundry is home for break, his actual body is probably somewhere else, catching up with high school friends--that's right, the same friends he has seen on Facebook or has texted every single day since graduation way back in May.

Often what parents want more than anything during this time home is the last thing that kids have in mind.  So, my advice is to get ready for this, and to head off frustration by having a plan that includes talking about what you'd like to do during break.  Tell your child who is now all grown up what your expectations are for going out, coming home, drinking, and spending time with the family, but tell them in a way that includes them.

Don't make the mistake of just laying down the law.  Instead, let them know that you acknowledge the fact that they've been living independently and that you respect that, but that you also have hopes to spend some quality time with them during this break.

Ask what some of the activities are that they would like to do while they're home--both with friends and with family.  Ask them to tell you about what their plans might look like and then suggest that you both work together so that they get to see friends and stay out, but at the same time you get a commitment for some family time.  As in most things, humor and flexibility will be the key to success, and your son or daughter will take his or her cues from you.

It's a wonderful thing to have the kids home!  Even if it does seem as though they're out and about more than they are in with you.