Talk the talk

Let's talk about money.

College is expensive on many levels, and figuring out how to finance your kid's education can sometimes be challenging---especially when many selective private colleges and universities come to a number around $50,000 a year once you figure in not only tuition but room and board and books.  Even the cost of state universities has risen dramatically in the last five years.

Applying to college can also be expensive.  The application fee for each school can be as steep as $75 though some are free.  Typically though, expect to pay between $40 and $60 a pop.  If your kid applies to eight colleges, you're looking at a number in the neighborhood of $500.  Add to that, the cost of taking SATs and ACTS, the cost of test prep, the cost of travel to visit campuses, and for many, the cost of independent counseling--folks like me.  You can easily be paying thousands of dollars before your son or daughter is even admitted.

So, while I think that most of the expenditure is worthwhile--I mean, it is your kid's future we're talking about--, I also think it is really important to sit down together as a team to let your son or daughter know what is realistic and what isn't.

There is no shame to being honest, and there certainly is no shame in treating your kid like an adult in this scenario.  Yes, you are still responsible for the financial piece of your child's education, but kids are capable of sharing some of the logic behind choosing where to apply and where to attend when it comes to how much it will all cost.

What you share, of course, is up to you.  I recommend that you outline some basic figures that show what can afford to spend comfortably and also what you might be able to spend if everyone tightens the belt.  I'd begin by explaining that you're not going to be limited by those numbers and that you want your kid to feel free to look at any college he or she likes, but that you all also need to be sure to identify schools where your ability to pay matches more closely to what things will cost.

You also want to make it clear that your child is not responsible for bearing the cost of his or her college education.  In other words, he or she should understand that the pressure to pay for college is on you, the parent, but that you want him or her to understand what you are able to make work and what you are not.

Then throw financial aid into the mix.  With the right financial aid package, a school that seems unaffordable can actually turn out to be cheaper than what you originally thought.  Tell your kid that you will check out all financial aid options, too.  Talk about the difference between need-based and merit-based aid, talk about grants, and talk about work study programs.  The tone here should be one that is optimistic.  The last thing you want is for your kid to worry or feel that she or he has to bear this burden of figuring out how to pay for college or that the only way he or she can attend is to find a big scholarship.  Yes, that would be nice, but the number of kids who get scholarships large enough to pay for everything is very, very small.  It can sometimes happen with athletics, but usually most financial aid is given on a needs basis.

If financial aid will be a big piece of the puzzle, then you also might want to talk about how that affects things like being put on a waiting list if that happens.

You and your kid should understand, for example, that if in March or April a college offers a place on the school's waiting list as opposed to being given a regular admissions decision, it's  probably a better idea to turn down the wait-list offer and accept the definitive admission that has been received from another school.  Financial aid is usually awarded in April, and by the time admissions officers are able to admit students from their waiting lists, it is often June or July, after much of the money has already been disbursed.

One of your jobs is to contact financial aid offices at schools your kid might be interested in and ask all your questions.  Take notes.  Write down the names of the people you talk with.  Ask if you can call them back if you have further questions.  Be sure to say thanks.  Financial aid officers usually want to help you.  Their job is to make it possible for the best kids to be able to attend their institutions.

You don't have to tell your kids everything about your financial situation, but it is a good idea to include them in the conversation to the extent that they understand what is and is not feasible.  Of course, each family approaches the topic of money differently.  Whatever you do in regard to having a conversation with your son or daughter about the cost of college, be sure that YOU will be comfortable with this topic first.  Remember, the idea is to create understanding, to work together, and to ease some of the anxiety that surrounds the issue of paying for college.

Let me know what you're thinking.